Where does your identity lie?

This past month, the overwhelming theme God has been instilling in me has been IDENTITY.

MK retreat

A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to attend a retreat for adult MKs (missionary kids who grew up in another country).  During one session we discussed our identity, pinpointing those things in our lives that 'defined us'.  We also were to write in lies and darkness that the enemy may put on us that affect our identity.  In the center, we located our TRUE identity in Christ such as created by God, daughter of the King, etc.  Since I'm a visual learner, it helped to see it laid out in diagram form like this.  I have done this sort of exercise before but I was surprised at how much it had changed over the years.  Whether I like it or not, I realized that my sister's death has changed aspects of my identity.

In some ways, it is good because I've rearranged my priorities and grown stronger and more dependent on the Lord.  Yet oftentimes, the lies of Satan that I let myself believe can sometimes be very overwhelming.  In my mind I hear his taunts, "Ha. You call yourself a social worker and yet you couldn't even save your sister" or "What guy would want to marry someone who's sister commited suicide?"  While deep down, I knew they are lies, they cloud my judgment and send me reeling, crumbling my self-esteem into pieces.

While it's a daily struggle, I need to base my identity on what God says about me.  I need to keep my kingdom focus on my central identity which is in Jesus Christ and can never be shaken!  Wow.  What kind of kingdom impact could I have if I lived in this truth every single day?

Of course God didn't stop there!  In my small group, we have been discussing similar topics through the book Uninvited by Lysa TerKeurst.  She mentions,

"Old patterns of thought must be torn out, and a new way of looking at the core of who I am using God's truth has to be put in place. My identity must be anchored to the truth of who God is and who He is to me. Only then can I find a stability beyond what my feelings will ever allow. The closer I align my truth with His truth, the more closely I identity with God- and the more my identity really is in Him".  

Your identity can't be tied to you what has happened to you because this is constantly changing.  Jesus is the only unchanging constant and so our identity and hope must be anchored in Him!  In Christ, my identity is so much more than my circumstances.  Yes, my sister's death rocked my world and changed a lot of things, but it is not where I ultimately find my identity.  I'm not labelled by this and am not a victim of my circumstances.
To top it off, God has also had me reading Ephesians in my devotional time...which is all about spiritual blessings and identity in Christ.
"Ok God, I get it, you can stop talking to me through a megaphone now!"  Sometimes I do need truth coming at me from all directions or else I won't get it!
I must never forget that my identity is in Christ!

"We must tie our identities to our unchanging, unflinching, unyielding, undeniably good, and unquestionably loving God." 

~Lysa TerKeurst

In loving memory

The anniversary of Adriana's death was last month (Oct 15) and I had been dreading it a long time beforehand.  Strangely enough, it did not hit me like I thought it would since during this week I was in and out of the ER and finally had a gallbladder surgery the day before the anniversary.  My mind was not able to process the emotional pain at the same time as the physical pain.  Plus, I was really out of it with all the pain meds!  I have finally been able to process it more little by little even though it still feels unreal at times. 

I put together some of my favorite pictures and memories of my Adrianita.  Some things that remind me of her: violins, yellow flowers, airplanes and bubble tea!

She was the genius of the family and helped work on this plane herself!

She LOVED animals and was a foster dog/cat mom

She graduated with honors with an aeronautical engineering major

This is the last picture we got together before Germany
and during my layover from Israel

One of our favorite things to do is travel! This is on our trip to Mexico.

Natalie's last picture taken before heading to Germany

One of her high school senior photos

She was Venezuelan born and raised!

One of her favorites- Venezuelan arepas!

We always played games as a family!

Artistic and crafty, she loved making ceramic/pottery art.
She also loved giving her homemade gifts to people.
When she was younger she was known for her little
teddy bears that she would sew and gift to people

Being silly as usual

We were bridesmaids in my mom's wedding.

Although suicide grief is like no other form of grief, I choose to remember Adriana through these memories instead of in the way she died. It can be difficult and painful to look through pictures and process my grief, but I know that in the end it is healing.  I don't want to be someone who runs away from the pain or looks to something other than the Lord to cope.

God's Crazy Ways

God definitely has a sense of humor sometimes and works in unexpected ways.  But even something terrible or uncomfortable at first can have unexpected blessings.

This month I had the opportunity to take a little road trip to Mackinac Island with some friends. Initially, I debated about whether to go because I didn't think I could afford it. Finally, I couldn't resist the travel bug in me and decided to go!

After a long and fun-filled day of exploring the island and biking we headed to our hotel an hour away.  When we arrived, it was about 1am and I was exhausted! I threw myself into the bed and fluffed the pillows only to jump out of the bed and discover that I was wet!  I was too tired at this point to think anything of it and jumped into my friend's bed.  Soon, I discovered that this one was wet too! Even though I warned her, my friend climbed into my bed and also discovered that she had gotten wet!  We were bewildered and annoyed but called the front desk where they finally brought us rollaway beds.  They apologized and explained that the housekeeper had probably put damp sheets on the beds.

It wasn't until 2:30am before I had changed clothes and fallen asleep.  However, in the morning when it was light out, we noticed that the damp beds were stained yellow!  We notified the manager who didn't believe us at first.  He did some digging and discovered something so horrendous, we started freaking out.  He informed us that the people staying before us admitted that their son had wet the beds! And not just one bed but BOTH beds!
WE HAD BEEN LAYING IN SOMEONE ELSE'S PEE! AH! As you can imagine, we were very disturbed and freaked out by this!  

It took a while to get over this, but in the end I couldn't help but laughing because it was just so bizarre.  We ended up getting a free hotel through this ordeal... and having a hilarious memory that we will never forget.  I also couldn't help but remember that God had provided for me to have a free hotel, knowing that I couldn't afford it.  He tends to work outside the box that we put him in. This was an unexpected blessing in disguise!

I can think of a lot of other ways that God uses the terrible and uncomfortable situations to provide an unexpected blessing.  Look for this when you are grieving a death or loss.
God is working amidst all the pain and chaos.  For instance, my dad passed away 9 years ago on his exact birthday.  My mom is one of the most optimistic people I know. One of the first things I remember her saying was, "He got the best birthday present he could have gotten by going to heaven".  God could have chosen any other of the 364 days left in the year but instead, he left us a reminder that He is always in control even when tragedy occurs.

This past week I finished reading Levi Lusko's Through the Eyes of a Lion, which I highly recommend!  He is a pastor in Montana who lost his 5-year-old daughter a few years ago.  He shares his grief story and some amazing insights and pastoral analogies.  Here's a quote from it that I love-

"You need to actively be on the lookout for every way you can redeem the hell you are put through by shining your light in the darkness. Your suffering is being used to create the anointing oil for the next level God wants you to reach. Squeeze every drop out of your trial. Let nothing be wasted. Hold nothing back. None of our tears have fallen to the ground unseen".

 Wow. That is powerful stuff.  Everything that you go though is for a reason.  Everything you suffer will be used to grow you, bring glory to God, and will have unexpected and hopeful outcomes from it.  I've been thinking about this since in 2 weeks it will already be a year since Adriana passed away.  In the span of a year I've been through a break-up, my sister's death,  an international move, and a change of jobs and living situation.  Literally, everything in my life is different from a year ago...except GOD'S PRESENCE with me.  He's the only constant and stable ROCK in my life.  Even though there will be more rough days ahead, I have comfort in God's character and consistency in my life.

Lift my eyes to the hills and healing waters

I have been feeling pretty sentimental this week.  Maybe it's because Adriana would have been coming home from Germany soon.  Maybe it's because she should have been there last week when we travelled to Niagara Falls.  Maybe it's because she would have been my canoe partner on the church canoe trip tomorrow.  I have never been able to go on the canoe trip for whatever reason and I feel sick just thinking that she isn't coming with me this time.  At Adriana's memorial service our pastor shared a funny story from this trip.  Adriana lost her glasses over the edge of the canoe and jumped in to save them, insisting that she would be able to find them.  In the process she left my other sister stranded, crashing the canoe.  Adriana never did find those glasses but people never forgot it and forever teased her for it! My sister was intense and passionate about everything she did and it showed even in the little things like a canoe trip.  I guess getting ready for the canoe trip tomorrow has left me thinking about some things.


It is very strange how God works sometimes.  I was hiking on a mountain when I got the call from Germany informing me about Adriana.  Normally I prefer to do this hike alone but at the time I was showing the trails to a missionary family.  I'm so grateful that God knew I should not be alone this time! Maybe it was God's way of comforting me and letting me know that he was near.  For some reason, in God's sovereignty, that's where he wanted me to be at that time.  It is even a miracle that I got an international call like that where reception can be out of reach. It took awhile for me to hike this trail again because I associated the location with tragedy and tears.

Yet there's something about nature, water, and hiking that are very healing for me.  

Pico Duarte:

In March I had the blessing of hiking Pico Duarte for the 4th time!  There is something refreshing about pushing yourself to the limit and letting God meet you there. The views were breathtaking and gave me some renewed times of prayer.  The Lord kept saying to me, "You're worth it. You're enough" with every step that I took.  It's something that I needed to hear at the time because I had been listening to Satan's lies about what Adriana's death said about me.  I prayed for healing during this trek and standing at over 10,000 feet on the peak helped me feel this.  I really felt the Lord give me some extra doses of peace and healing during this trip.  Psalm 121 stood out to me during this time: "I lift my eyes to the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, Maker of Heaven and earth."

Here's a short clip about our trip to Pico!!

Niagara Falls:
Last week it felt so wonderful to be able to get away and see the beauty of Niagara Falls with my two favorite people!  Of course, I insisted that we squeeze some hiking into the trip and so we explored the Niagara Glen and some parks.

I felt so blessed to be able to go on these trips such as Pico Duarte, Niagara Falls, etc.  I don't really know what I'm trying to say with all this except- Do things that bring you healing and help you honor your loved one.  You are never going to be the same but you can let God use things to bring you joy and peace.  Find what works for you in the grieving process.  For me right now it means going on the canoe trip and finding those healing waters.

What do I mean by healing waters? A friend of mine put it this way:

 "It's as though death has left a horrible burn all over my body. There's not an area that hasn't been affected. And grief is this big ocean that looms before you. It's almost impossible to imagine the pain you're about to endure when you take your burnt body and step into it. However, in the process of the pain, the salt will cleanse the wounds. It will prevent infection from setting in. It will eventually be healing. It's about taking those first steps toward that ocean of grief and letting the water do it's work. Because even if you just stand still, the water will eventually come to you. So, you lay down fear of what MIGHT happen when you enter the waters and place your heart in the hands of Him who formed it, and let Him walk with you into the grief." ~Katie Gerke

Life in the Fish Bowl

"I suppose that since most of our hurts come through relationships, so will our healing, and I know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside". ~WP Young

My first reaction upon reading this quote was to snicker and roll my eyes.  Healing can come from people?! "Yeah, right," I thought, "I've been burned by way too many people."

As I got to thinking, I likened the grieving process to being in a fishbowl!  One night last week when I could not fall asleep, I kept thinking about this analogy.  Let me explain. Oftentimes, when you are faced with a tragedy, you feel trapped and have a lack of control over what happens.  Similar to how fish must feel in an itty-bitty fish bowl! You are also very fragile and vulnerable- any sudden movements and the bowl can fall and crash on the floor. You are hit with sudden waves of grief and emotions depending on the day, never knowing what to expect.

Source: Flickr / atticgirl

Fish also have no where to hide.  All eyes are on them in their transparent world. What often happens when someone faces a tragedy is that all eyes are on them.  How are they coping and reacting? Are they mad at God?  Everyone wants to know the details of the trauma and wants to give their two cents. Usually that's exactly what they are worth- a mere two cents!  People shudder and think, "I'm so glad I'm not facing their loss right now" or "Wow. I could never deal with that. They must be really strong." or "Wow. God is really going to use their story someday to impact others."

Yet few people actually jump into the fish bowl with the person and feel their pain with them.  People are content to peer over the edges of the bowl and watch the fish flounder around. Whether it is because of fear or uncertainty, people simply don't know how to help the grieving.  And so they sit, peering through the glass.

Please, if you know someone who is going through a loss, the best thing you can do is be present in the person's pain without offering advice or judging their way of grieving without fully understanding.  I know I was wounded and hurt by how some people reacted to my pain.  But that's another blog post for another day!

At the same time, there have been amazing people in my life who did sit with me in the pain and held me when I cried.  My amazing roommate Cyndi who was just ALWAYS there whenever I needed her whether it was to validate my feelings, listen to me, or to distract me with a cheesy movie.  Another shoutout to Courtney who spent hours every week listening to me vent and asking me those hard questions.  And so many others... you know who you are! Even though many of my friends are long-distance friends, it was still helpful when all they could do was check in on me from afar!

And another thought for you to take with you.  No matter how people treat you and how you've been wounded, ultimately when you take a step back and look at the big picture, it is GOD who is holding the fish bowl.  And I can promise you that He will never let the bowl fall to the ground and He ALWAYS keeps his promises even when people fail you and aren't there for you. Amen to that!

Ultimately, it is God who is holding the fish bowl.

I'm 'HOME'!

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

I can say that it was the worst of times, because moving back to the DR after losing my sister was the hardest 6 months of my entire life.  Yet, it was also the best of times because the Lord allowed me to experience many memorable moments while growing and stretching me.  Although I didn't realize it, he also allowed the last 6 months to be a buffer time and preparation for moving back to the U.S.

6 months ago, I didn't view moving back to the U.S. as an option.  It was something that my heart was not ready for. As a TCK, I haven't always called the U.S. my home and transitioning back seemed like another loss I just wasn't ready to handle.  After a lot of soul searching and prayer, the Lord brought me to a place where I no longer viewed returning 'home' to be a failure.

The Lord also blessed me with an understanding pastor at my Dominican church.  Last year, he was also faced with the loss of losing a family member to suicide.  His wife is from Argentina, so he also understands the difficulties of living as a foreigner.  It was such a relief to be among people who understood! They were faithful prayer warriors for me during my time back.  It's amazing how the Lord brings people in your life for a short time in spite of pain and loss.

My pastor also encouraged me with these words.  He told me that everyone needs a break and God calls us to different places at different times. He said that going to the U.S. may be my time to 'live in the cave' before being sent out again. He reminded me of the story of Elijah, where God led him to a cave after he is fleeing and had just completed a great work.  After his time in the cave, the Lord sends him out again.

Transitions are hard. There are people and aspects of the Dominican life that I'm really going to miss.  Although I don't know what's coming next, I'm excited for this new chapter in my life and waiting on the Lord.  I want to take time for myself and rejuvenate without feeling selfish for doing so!

Here are some highlights of my last month in the DR:

Good times with the crazy house staff!

the squad!

Nature buddies!

Road trip to Constanza!

Last beach trip with the girls!

Gone too Soon

I found out this week that a former client of mine passed away suddenly in a car crash at only 21 years of age.  He was one of my first clients at the first job I had straight out of college.  I had the privilege of being his mentor and watching his growth during the time that I worked with him.

He became a believer during that time as well.  I would teach him biblical things and he would explain pop culture to me.  I was not a very good student!  He teased me when I wrote down M+M instead of Eminem! Oops.

He would always quote Tupac quotes to anyone who would listen, trying to brighten someone's day or just to help himself survive.  One of his favorites was, "For every dark night, there's a brighter day."  It is a reminder of a hope of better things to come.  I've been thinking a lot about that and his life this week. Although he had his struggles, I'm taking hope in that he knew the Lord and is now seeing a brighter day for all eternity.

 It got me thinking about my role as a social worker/missionary. Being a social worker can be a very discouraging job.  I never know if I've made an impact or if they are learning anything from me.  It is also hard to let them go once it's time for them to move on.  I want them to be successful and live up to their God-given potential.  And then I have to remember that they are in God's hands. There's only so much I can do.  I can't be responsible for what happens after.  I need to simply love well, help them in their struggles, and point them to God.  God is in control of their lives, not me.
I don't understand why the Lord took him at such a young age, but I know that he was in God's hands the entire time.
It is a difficult time for the family, but I'm praying they can see a brighter day through it all.  Please pray for the family as they grieve his loss.

Puppy Love

“It’s like you two saved each other”

Someone commented after noticing my relationship with my precious little dog Thunder.  Originally rescued from the streets and later adopted by a missionary friend of mine, Thunder is terrified of everything.  Ironically she is terrified of thunderstorms as well!  Yet when she is with me, she is happy, cuddly, and loyal.  We formed an immediate attachment and bond.  She follows me everywhere!

In the five months that I’ve been at CMA since my sister’s death, Thunder has been a constant presence and comfort in my life.  When I isolated myself, she was always there for me.  I spent moments crying with her or stroking her fur while I wrestled with God.

One day this past week, I had a very difficult day and was sobbing while hugging Thunder for hours.  During my moment of crisis, this verse from Psalm 16:8, came to me.  “I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.”

Almost immediately after I read this verse, a thunderstorm rolled onto campus and it started pouring down rain.  Of course, Thunder started trembling and shaking

uncontrollably!  Immediately the roles were reversed and I started comforting her and stroking her fur.  Suddenly, the image of ‘I will not be shaken’ had a whole new meaning.  As I sat there watching Thunder tremble in fear, I suddenly knew that God was teaching me something through my relationship with Thunder. 

How many times am I shaking and overcome by my fears?

No matter what I’m going through, I cannot be shaken because God is on my side and is always comforting me.   He wraps me in his arms and is protecting me. 

I have been meditating on this verse all week.  God gave me this verse for a reason during my time of need.   I’m so grateful for the blessing God has given me in Thunder.  She is the best therapy dog!

 I will not be shaken.

The Shack

Last week, I felt as if God was speaking eternity into my life.  I know God was trying to get my attention because the theme kept popping up everywhere...campus devotions, a sermon I listened to, my mom's Bible study notes, etc.  Even the book I finished reading emphasized the end times and eternity (The Last Battle in the Narnia series).

That same week, my mom and I spent a night at what I like to call the 'shack'.  It’s a quaint cabin in the mountains some 30 minutes away from CMA campus.  The ride in itself is breathtaking and I was looking to get some time of refreshment and retreat.

"You are a survivor. No shame in that."

Going there reminds me of one of my FAVORITE books- The Shack by Wm Paul Young.  In this book, Mack is invited to face the pain of losing his youngest daughter while spending a weekend rediscovering God.  This all takes place in the shack where his daughter was murdered.  It's a very raw and real book that brought tears and healing to my soul.

Grief is messy.  It's not pretty.  There are days where you can't function normally.  Suddenly nothing is the same.  You view everything through the lens of your loved one's death.  You can't fight the pain. You are faced with the intense reality of the horror of what happened.

But God invites us in our mess to rediscover Him and to cry in His arms.  It's a relationship where it's ok to be raw and hurting and vulnerable.  To receive true healing we have to face our pain and brokenness.  It's so important to seek healing when you are hurting and grieving.  That's why taking that time away in my own little 'shack' was so refreshing and needed.  There I was surrounded by the beauty and stillness of the mountains reflecting on eternity.  I believe that God wanted me to reflect on that and give me peace.  

House of Figs

The name Bethany means 'house of figs'.  I always knew this growing up but it never meant anything to me.  I didn't even know what a fig was!  This changed when I had the opportunity to go on a hiking trip through Israel and Jordan during the summer of 2015.

One of the first places we went to was Bethany beyond the Jordan.  Our fearless leader Wyn explained that Bethany meant 'house of affliction' as well as 'house of figs'.  In the way he explained it this gave me a whole new meaning to my name.  

Despite suffering and affliction, I am to be bearing fruit and going through a process of refining.  The fig tree bears fruit all year long and if not, it is cut down.  This blew my mind.  At the time, the Lord had been teaching me about refining and being molded through difficulties.  

I also learned that my name means 'house of song'.  Anyone who knows me (or has lived with me) knows that I am constantly singing.  I don't mean to drive people crazy but I just LOVE singing! Yet even during trials, I want to be bearing fruit and singing praises to Jesus no matter what!  I have my name to remind me of that.

Despite suffering and affliction, I am to be bearing fruit and going through a process of refining.  

I had no idea that 4 months later, my world would be turned upside down and this would be tested again.  On October 15, 2015, my sister Adriana, took her own life while studying abroad in Germany.

Right now, I'm in the trenches.  My soul is being wrung out.  And my pain and mess are oozing out of me in unpleasant and in very ugly ways.  Yet, this is the process of refining brought by much pain. Could it be that God, in his sovereignty, wanted to teach me these truths in Israel in preparation for the nightmare that only HE knew would happen?  God works in mysterious ways.

So, I'm starting this blog to help me process my journey and invite people into my mess.  I'm sitting under the fig tree trusting God in moments of trial in order that I may bear much fruit and sing the song that I was meant to sing.  Through this, may God be glorified.

"Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me."

John 15