Sunday, September 10, 2017

Dosing your pain

Grief is like a chest of drawers.
The individual drawers come in many different sizes.  
Some large. 
Some small,  and holding just a small memory.
Which drawer will you open today?


My counselor introduced me to this concept, explaining that some days you can only open a tiny drawer and feel a light memory of pain.  For me, this may be hearing a song that reminds me of my sister or wearing a sweatshirt of hers.

Some days you open a larger drawer with a stronger memory that brings you to tears. 

And some days, the grief is so strong that you pull out the entire drawer only to crawl inside for the rest of the day.

Which drawer will you open today?

Just this week I was working like normal on my computer and suddenly a song came on that reminded me of my sister.  I suddenly stopped and burst into tears.  I spent maybe an hour crying and looking at pictures of my sister.  And then just like that- it was over.  I resumed my day without a problem and like nothing had happened.  Thankfully, I was alone and had some buffer time in my day where I could do this.  That day I only needed to pull out the drawer for an hour.

The problem with grief is that you don't always have control over which drawer will be yours to open that day.

Another image to describe this idea is to 'dose your pain'.  Coined by Dr Wolfelt, a leading grief psychologist, this image simply means feeling the pain in spurts instead of the full brunt of the intensity.  He explains that sometimes you may need to distract yourself while other times you may need to make a safe place to grieve.  However, this DOES NOT mean running away from the pain! It will always be something that you have to come back to.
I love what he says here:
"To live into the future depends on my response to the reality of what I am experiencing. Temporarily, I need to create an insulation from the full force of what I am coming to know. If I felt it all at once, I might die. But feel it I must". (p. 141 in Understanding your Suicide Grief)
Learning the concept of 'dosing your pain' was huge for me!

After my sister passed away, I drowned myself in the pain and intensely exposed myself to the grief.  I thought that by doing this, I would 'get through it' at a faster rate.  But the pain was at such a constant intensity that I almost didn't survive it.

I think I was stuck in this extreme because I wanted to avoid the mistakes I made when my dad passed away.  After my dad passed away I used the coping mechanisms of avoidance.  For instance, on Father's day, I would purposefully schedule myself a 12-hour shift at work so that I wouldn't have to think about it.  Avoidance is not healthy and only hurts you in the long run.

In contrast, dosing your pain is a way that you can create a safe place to grieve when you are ready.  There are certainly times when you may need to distract yourself temporarily to ease the pain.  It's ok to protect yourself and retreat to safety when you need to.  I learned that grief is not something you can do all at once as if it were a 'To Do' checklist.  Dosing your pain is healthy alternative to both wallowing in constant despair or avoidance all together.

So what drawer will you open today?  
It's ok if you don't have the strength to open one today. 
Tomorrow is a new day.
Be kind to yourself.
Dose your pain.