The Master Gardener

Sadly, my brown thumb has killed more plants than I care to admit.  But a dear friend saw it as her mission to transform the backyard of my new little bungalow into a cute little garden.  I did not realize that gardening took so much manual labor!

My friend explained to me that after a flower or plant is transplanted into a new location, it is vulnerable and needs lots of care and water.  It takes time for the roots to grow deep again and get settled.

This is the perfect illustration of my life for the past year.  Exactly one year ago I was 'transplanted' from the DR to Fort Wayne.  I was vulnerable, weak, and going through a lot of pain.  I didn't have many friends when I moved back and was reluctant to make new ones all over again.  Everything in my life was different and I had to establish my roots yet again.  Being an MK (missionary kid) I have had to do this countless times in my life, but it never gets any easier.

Last June, when I returned from the DR, I knew that I needed to spend some serious time with the Lord and just take a break from things for a while.  I didn't work for 6 months. I had a LOT of alone time to think, journal, pray, read, and just be with God in nature.  I attended ELIM, a spiritual renewal retreat for missionaries.  I also sought counseling and spent a lot of time with family.

PC: Natalie Kunkel

And now...a year later...his work in my life is proof that God is the ultimate HEALER and Master Gardener!

On more than one occasion, people have told me that I even look physically different, lighter.  That is all due to God's amazing work in my life as the Healer.  Even though I was uprooted, God didn't just forget about me but took care of me as a diligent gardener would.

Even though I didn't work for awhile, God continually found ways to surprise me by providing financially for me as well.  For instance, someone I don't even know sent me a check, allowing me to purchase a car....my hospital bill in October was miraculously $0... a random scholarship came in for school...my tax refund was more than enough to pay for car repairs...and on and on.

So what else have I been up to? I have been working part-time helping immigrants and refugees and I have loved using my Spanish again!  I will also be graduating in August with my MSW! (finally!)  I don't know what I will be doing after graduation, but that's ok!

Reflecting on the last year has led me to feel so overwhelmed by God's grace and goodness in my life!  So many changes, yet God has been so good!

"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness". 

Colossians 2:6-7

In loving memory

The anniversary of Adriana's death was last month (Oct 15) and I had been dreading it a long time beforehand.  Strangely enough, it did not hit me like I thought it would since during this week I was in and out of the ER and finally had a gallbladder surgery the day before the anniversary.  My mind was not able to process the emotional pain at the same time as the physical pain.  Plus, I was really out of it with all the pain meds!  I have finally been able to process it more little by little even though it still feels unreal at times. 

I put together some of my favorite pictures and memories of my Adrianita.  Some things that remind me of her: violins, yellow flowers, airplanes and bubble tea!

She was the genius of the family and helped work on this plane herself!

She LOVED animals and was a foster dog/cat mom

She graduated with honors with an aeronautical engineering major

This is the last picture we got together before Germany
and during my layover from Israel

One of our favorite things to do is travel! This is on our trip to Mexico.

Natalie's last picture taken before heading to Germany

One of her high school senior photos

She was Venezuelan born and raised!

One of her favorites- Venezuelan arepas!

We always played games as a family!

Artistic and crafty, she loved making ceramic/pottery art.
She also loved giving her homemade gifts to people.
When she was younger she was known for her little
teddy bears that she would sew and gift to people

Being silly as usual

We were bridesmaids in my mom's wedding.

Although suicide grief is like no other form of grief, I choose to remember Adriana through these memories instead of in the way she died. It can be difficult and painful to look through pictures and process my grief, but I know that in the end it is healing.  I don't want to be someone who runs away from the pain or looks to something other than the Lord to cope.

Lift my eyes to the hills and healing waters

I have been feeling pretty sentimental this week.  Maybe it's because Adriana would have been coming home from Germany soon.  Maybe it's because she should have been there last week when we travelled to Niagara Falls.  Maybe it's because she would have been my canoe partner on the church canoe trip tomorrow.  I have never been able to go on the canoe trip for whatever reason and I feel sick just thinking that she isn't coming with me this time.  At Adriana's memorial service our pastor shared a funny story from this trip.  Adriana lost her glasses over the edge of the canoe and jumped in to save them, insisting that she would be able to find them.  In the process she left my other sister stranded, crashing the canoe.  Adriana never did find those glasses but people never forgot it and forever teased her for it! My sister was intense and passionate about everything she did and it showed even in the little things like a canoe trip.  I guess getting ready for the canoe trip tomorrow has left me thinking about some things.


It is very strange how God works sometimes.  I was hiking on a mountain when I got the call from Germany informing me about Adriana.  Normally I prefer to do this hike alone but at the time I was showing the trails to a missionary family.  I'm so grateful that God knew I should not be alone this time! Maybe it was God's way of comforting me and letting me know that he was near.  For some reason, in God's sovereignty, that's where he wanted me to be at that time.  It is even a miracle that I got an international call like that where reception can be out of reach. It took awhile for me to hike this trail again because I associated the location with tragedy and tears.

Yet there's something about nature, water, and hiking that are very healing for me.  

Pico Duarte:

In March I had the blessing of hiking Pico Duarte for the 4th time!  There is something refreshing about pushing yourself to the limit and letting God meet you there. The views were breathtaking and gave me some renewed times of prayer.  The Lord kept saying to me, "You're worth it. You're enough" with every step that I took.  It's something that I needed to hear at the time because I had been listening to Satan's lies about what Adriana's death said about me.  I prayed for healing during this trek and standing at over 10,000 feet on the peak helped me feel this.  I really felt the Lord give me some extra doses of peace and healing during this trip.  Psalm 121 stood out to me during this time: "I lift my eyes to the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, Maker of Heaven and earth."

Here's a short clip about our trip to Pico!!

Niagara Falls:
Last week it felt so wonderful to be able to get away and see the beauty of Niagara Falls with my two favorite people!  Of course, I insisted that we squeeze some hiking into the trip and so we explored the Niagara Glen and some parks.

I felt so blessed to be able to go on these trips such as Pico Duarte, Niagara Falls, etc.  I don't really know what I'm trying to say with all this except- Do things that bring you healing and help you honor your loved one.  You are never going to be the same but you can let God use things to bring you joy and peace.  Find what works for you in the grieving process.  For me right now it means going on the canoe trip and finding those healing waters.

What do I mean by healing waters? A friend of mine put it this way:

 "It's as though death has left a horrible burn all over my body. There's not an area that hasn't been affected. And grief is this big ocean that looms before you. It's almost impossible to imagine the pain you're about to endure when you take your burnt body and step into it. However, in the process of the pain, the salt will cleanse the wounds. It will prevent infection from setting in. It will eventually be healing. It's about taking those first steps toward that ocean of grief and letting the water do it's work. Because even if you just stand still, the water will eventually come to you. So, you lay down fear of what MIGHT happen when you enter the waters and place your heart in the hands of Him who formed it, and let Him walk with you into the grief." ~Katie Gerke