Dosing your pain

Grief is like a chest of drawers.

The individual drawers come in many different sizes.  

Some large. 

Some small,  and holding just a small memory.

Which drawer will you open today?

My counselor introduced me to this concept, explaining that some days you can only open a tiny drawer and feel a light memory of pain.  For me, this may be hearing a song that reminds me of my sister or wearing a sweatshirt of hers.

Some days you open a larger drawer with a stronger memory that brings you to tears. 

And some days, the grief is so strong that you pull out the entire drawer only to crawl inside for the rest of the day.

Which drawer will you open today?

Just this week I was working like normal on my computer and suddenly a song came on that reminded me of my sister.  I suddenly stopped and burst into tears.  I spent maybe an hour crying and looking at pictures of my sister.  And then just like that- it was over.  I resumed my day without a problem and like nothing had happened.  Thankfully, I was alone and had some buffer time in my day where I could do this.  That day I only needed to pull out the drawer for an hour.

The problem with grief is that you don't always have control over which drawer will be yours to open that day.

Another image to describe this idea is to 'dose your pain'.  Coined by Dr Wolfelt, a leading grief psychologist, this image simply means feeling the pain in spurts instead of the full brunt of the intensity.  He explains that sometimes you may need to distract yourself while other times you may need to make a safe place to grieve.  However, this DOES NOT mean running away from the pain! It will always be something that you have to come back to.
I love what he says here:

"To live into the future depends on my response to the reality of what I am experiencing. Temporarily, I need to create an insulation from the full force of what I am coming to know. If I felt it all at once, I might die. But feel it I must". (p. 141 in Understanding your Suicide Grief)

Learning the concept of 'dosing your pain' was huge for me!

After my sister passed away, I drowned myself in the pain and intensely exposed myself to the grief.  I thought that by doing this, I would 'get through it' at a faster rate.  But the pain was at such a constant intensity that I almost didn't survive it.

I think I was stuck in this extreme because I wanted to avoid the mistakes I made when my dad passed away.  After my dad passed away I used the coping mechanisms of avoidance.  For instance, on Father's day, I would purposefully schedule myself a 12-hour shift at work so that I wouldn't have to think about it.  Avoidance is not healthy and only hurts you in the long run.

In contrast, dosing your pain is a way that you can create a safe place to grieve when you are ready.  There are certainly times when you may need to distract yourself temporarily to ease the pain.  It's ok to protect yourself and retreat to safety when you need to.  I learned that grief is not something you can do all at once as if it were a 'To Do' checklist.  Dosing your pain is healthy alternative to both wallowing in constant despair or avoidance all together.

So what drawer will you open today?  

It's ok if you don't have the strength to open one today. 

Tomorrow is a new day.

Be kind to yourself.

Dose your pain.  

Life in the Fish Bowl

"I suppose that since most of our hurts come through relationships, so will our healing, and I know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside". ~WP Young

My first reaction upon reading this quote was to snicker and roll my eyes.  Healing can come from people?! "Yeah, right," I thought, "I've been burned by way too many people."

As I got to thinking, I likened the grieving process to being in a fishbowl!  One night last week when I could not fall asleep, I kept thinking about this analogy.  Let me explain. Oftentimes, when you are faced with a tragedy, you feel trapped and have a lack of control over what happens.  Similar to how fish must feel in an itty-bitty fish bowl! You are also very fragile and vulnerable- any sudden movements and the bowl can fall and crash on the floor. You are hit with sudden waves of grief and emotions depending on the day, never knowing what to expect.

Source: Flickr / atticgirl

Fish also have no where to hide.  All eyes are on them in their transparent world. What often happens when someone faces a tragedy is that all eyes are on them.  How are they coping and reacting? Are they mad at God?  Everyone wants to know the details of the trauma and wants to give their two cents. Usually that's exactly what they are worth- a mere two cents!  People shudder and think, "I'm so glad I'm not facing their loss right now" or "Wow. I could never deal with that. They must be really strong." or "Wow. God is really going to use their story someday to impact others."

Yet few people actually jump into the fish bowl with the person and feel their pain with them.  People are content to peer over the edges of the bowl and watch the fish flounder around. Whether it is because of fear or uncertainty, people simply don't know how to help the grieving.  And so they sit, peering through the glass.

Please, if you know someone who is going through a loss, the best thing you can do is be present in the person's pain without offering advice or judging their way of grieving without fully understanding.  I know I was wounded and hurt by how some people reacted to my pain.  But that's another blog post for another day!

At the same time, there have been amazing people in my life who did sit with me in the pain and held me when I cried.  My amazing roommate Cyndi who was just ALWAYS there whenever I needed her whether it was to validate my feelings, listen to me, or to distract me with a cheesy movie.  Another shoutout to Courtney who spent hours every week listening to me vent and asking me those hard questions.  And so many others... you know who you are! Even though many of my friends are long-distance friends, it was still helpful when all they could do was check in on me from afar!

And another thought for you to take with you.  No matter how people treat you and how you've been wounded, ultimately when you take a step back and look at the big picture, it is GOD who is holding the fish bowl.  And I can promise you that He will never let the bowl fall to the ground and He ALWAYS keeps his promises even when people fail you and aren't there for you. Amen to that!

Ultimately, it is God who is holding the fish bowl.